Ode to the Single Girl

After a very average Friday night date with Bachelor # whatever, I finally drag my lazy self out of bed on Saturday morning, o.k., it was early afternoon. I had a big day planned. The Yankees were playing the Red Sox at Fenway…playoffs on the line…so in my very comfy pjs, I make a pot of coffee and settle onto the couch for a few hours of quality t.v. time, when…what??? …the game…I can’t find the game…THE GAME…the one I planned my entire Saturday around…it was nowhere to be found…an investigation ensues…panic is in the air. Then the inevitable… the realization that the game is not going to be on…hmmmm…. What am I going to do now that I do not have 3 hours worth of Derek Jeter to watch? Sit on the couch for another hour contemplating the answer to that question…I know…I’ll go running, or clean the house, do laundry? Who am I kidding…there is only one cure for this kind of day ruining disappointment…do we have any guesses??? Come on people…this is an easy one…Do any of you know me…yes, you in the back??? Right!!!! Retail therapy is correct. So, sitting on the couch for another hour trying to motivate to go to the mall…remembering those really cute black boots I saw…when the phone rings.

Mav: Hello
Married Friend: Hey Mav!!! [Reality Police: Married Friend refuses to call you Mav and actually said Hey ________ (censored by the content police)] What are you doing?
Mav: Oh, the usual…writing the great American novel while coming up with a plan to end world hunger…[Reality Police: MAVERICK!!!] (Mav: Ok, ok…) I am sitting on my couch trying to motivate to get ready to go shopping. What are you doing?
Married Friend: Running errands. (Aka, being productive)
Mav: Great! (quickly changing the subject) What did you do last night?
Married Friend: Stayed home with husband and child. Made a great dinner, listened to lots of music, drank nice wine…just the three of us.
Mav: (thinking…sounds terribly boring) Wow, that’s nice. Sounds like fun…
Married Friend: You should try it sometime.
Mav: (Sarcastically) Yes, I will try it next Friday with my good friends me, myself and I.
Married Friend: (Laughing)

So that got me thinking…is being single really all its cracked up to be? I mean I do get to sleep until just about whenever I want…do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it, spend as much money as I want without somebody telling me I have to budget…don’t have to answer to anyone but myself…sounds pretty good. Or does it? So, married friend’s husband was in town last week for work playing the role of single guy. Walking around D.C., with two beautiful woman on each arm (don’t be alarmed…one of them is me and the other is my very uninterested friend)… Complete with alligator shoes, long furry animal print coat, gold teeth, bling, bling and diamond studded walking stick…calling us his bitches and introducing us to all his doctor friends as Mav and Boa. (Boa and I actually very excited thinking that perhaps there will be some good looking single doctors around…) Ha ha ha…throwing drinks down our throats or was that my own doing? Hard to say. Point is that he gets to play the role of “single guy” out on the town…while his wife is home running errands and taking care of baby. So I ask him…don’t you miss this shit…being able to come and go as you please, not having to worry about kids and well you get the picture… No he says. I actually don’t miss it at all as he excuses himself to go call his wife…Now that as they say is devotion. So I wonder, where does this instinct to couple come from? And why, if the single life is so great do we crave the security of knowing there is always someone to come home to? When does a Friday night at home with your spouse and kid become more fun than playing the single role as described above? I think it is a lot like the rivalry between the Yankees and the Red Sox. The season comes down to the wire, it could go either way. They finish neck in neck…actually the exact same record…but the Yankees clinch the division because in the head to head they hold a slightly better record. And we all know how big a Yankee fan I am.

BAD KARMA….OR MAYBE NOT

So the black cloud that has been following me since circa July 28 has again reared its ugly head. I mean honestly, what does one have to do in order to reverse bad karma. I must have done something really naughty in a past life or maybe the big boss is just not liking what he sees these days (Christian may have been onto something)….but really. I mean it is no secret that I was a waste (or wasted) the entire summer…this usually goodie two shoes girl drank too much, ate too much, smoked too much, popped too many prescription pills, didn’t sleep enough or work enough…I could go on. But then labor day weekend came and I went to the beach….I had high expectations for “the last weekend,” almost like I thought I wasn’t going to have any more fun, ever. Something happened…this is odd…doesn’t compute…danger, danger. The signs were all there…I was tired, I was annoyed by my housemates, and the crowds, and the beer…didn’t anybody bring a nice bottle of red?? I was over the beach. All partied out. Ready to stop drinking Miller Lite out of a can with a coosie and start drinking lovely, delicious, sensuous, sexy red wine! Ready to stop hooking up with 22 year old college guys (although this particular one happened to be the quarterback of his football team…I was head cheerleader that night….) and start the arduous and not the least bit entertaining task of finding a boyfriend…my own age…But I digress. Anyway…here I am back in the “real world.” Eating right, drinking red wine out of real glasses and not the cheap stuff either, exercising, working, and amazingly still having fun. But there is the small matter of the black cloud, the bad karma…could bizarro Mav world still be trying to rear its ugly head in my oh so mature and sophisticated life? One quick story…First weekend not at the beach…Boa, Goose and myself go out to dinner. I’ll spare you all the drunk details about the cop who wanted to arrest Goose for stealing a cup of water from the restaurant and about kissing the boy outside of the Clarendon Ballroom (I digressed into Dewey mode for a minute…although this particular boy has continued to call and text me…I wonder how he got my number…) and about taking the cab two whole blocks because I wasn’t wearing flip flops, but real shoes and my feet hurt (this isn’t the beach you know). Anyway…the point of the story (in a nutshell) is that we took the cab two blocks to hang out with the Burnt Sienna band, oh that Jefe and the other guy…not because we are groupies, but because somewhere beneath all the sophistication and maturity…we missed the beach.

O.k….back to my bad karma. So in my real life, I am god mother to the cutest, most loveable guy in the world…No matter that he is shorter than the guys I usually hang out with and a little bit younger…I would take an evening with him over any of the other guys in about a millisecond. Anyway, one of my duties as god mother is to pick him up from school and on the way, I inadvertently pass a school bus that apparently had its lights flashing. Are you supposed to stop for a school bus that is on the other side of a median? Apparently so, at least that is what the police officer who pulled me over explained while giving me a $275 ticket. ARGH!!!! I mean I am a law abiding citizen…I would have stopped. Really. The big boss is laughing and sharing with all his friends…Christian had a satisfying vision that night, I’m sure. This on top of the other two tickets I got earlier this summer is not boding well for my insurance premiums. How many points can you get before they take your license? And now there is the little itty bitty matter of the bench warrant issued in Caroline County….apparently my request to change the hearing date on the first two tickets never made it to the court house, through no fault of my own, and yours truly missed her hearings!!! Yikes! A lawyer with a warrant out for her arrest?!? Is that grounds for debarment? Hmmmm…may not be so bad after all….But alas….spoke to the clerk’s office today. And guess what!! Crowd screams…..what? Court was cancelled that afternoon and everybody got to reschedule….now that is luck!