So You Say You Want To Know What Goes On Inside My Head

I present the first installment of what goes on inside my head.

Pet Peeves (Vol. 1) (WARNING…THIS POST CONTAINS MATERIAL WHICH COULD BE CONSTRUED AS WHINING AND COMPLAINING…READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!)

1) The Telephone- I have some serious pet peeves with regard to the telephone. This may stem from the fact that I am on the phone a lot…and not just for fun either. It seems to be a significant part of my employment duties…I admit, I do let most calls go to voice mail, creating the duty upon myself to return the phone call. But I don’t like the demand a phone call puts on your time. What if I don’t want to deal with your issue right at the time you call…why should I be forced to do so? Exactly my point. I shouldn’t. …but I have gotten good at returning those calls. I use the 24 hour policy. A phone call should be returned, if possible, within 24 hours of receiving it. This way I have some time to digest the reason for the call and then it becomes my choice as to when (and how) I proceed. Now, truth be told…I don’t generally let personal calls go to voice mail unless I am in the middle of something or unless I know the person on the other end is going to want to chat…and I am tired, cranky, hungry, moody, etc. In which case, I will let it go to voice mail…I know what you are all thinking. When am I not either tired, or cranky, or hungry or moody?...but I still call back in 24 hours. That being said, it drives me nutty when people do not return phone calls (and you all know who you are). I mean seriously, one has to wonder…do you listen to the message and make a conscious decision NOT to call back, i.e., ring, ring, vm picks up: hello friend, co-worker, client, colleague, whoever…Its Mav…I’m calling to say {insert reason for call}, end call with talk to you soon, call me back, etc…Friend, co-worker, client, colleague, listens to the message and says: I am definitely NOT calling HER back! Cynical, I know, but I suppose at least one of those class of persons does say that, it just better not be the ones who you expect to call you back…and let me be clear about who you are…all friends, all co-workers, some colleagues, and some clients. More likely, the reason for the unreturned phone call is something a little less harsh, like “Oh…I forgot,” or the ever popular “You didn’t say call me back.” I have this one friend who has a serious aversion to the telephone. I know that 9 times out of 10, she is NOT going to return my phone call. {Sorry baby, but you know it is true} And when I complain, she tries and we get that number down to 5, assuming of course that I remember to actually say CALL ME BACK…baby steps. And this girl actually never answers the phone...which reminds me I find it terribly annoying when people don’t answer their mobile phones. I mean really…the very definition of a mobile phone is that you take it with you when you go. If you are not going to answer it when it rings…then seriously, get rid of it. And while we are on the topic of phones, if for some reason I don’t answer my cell phone, my blackberry, or my land line, just leave a message and I WILL call you back…don’t keep calling in hopes that by some stroke of luck I will finally answer…I always have a good reason for NOT answering my phone (or at least a reason-- hey, it doesn't have to be good!) and I definitely won’t answer a repeat caller and that's just on principle. Which is really why I hate when people don’t answer their phones and then don't return the call because then I am forced to be the person who is blowing up someone’s phone. (Mav shuddering…)

2) Not Saying God Bless You- When somebody sneezes, you say god bless you. Do you want to know why you say god bless you to somebody after they sneeze? Because when you sneeze your heart skips a beat. Now think about how bad you would feel if you didn’t say god bless you and the person who sneezed had a heart attack. Really quite simple. Look, we can practice...Mav: Ahhhhhhchewwwww (sneezing).What was that? God Bless me...why thank you.

3) The Response “Me Too”- Let me explain…because after all we are inside of MY head and like someone once said to me…”I know it makes sense in there (motioning towards my head) but we are all out here.” I have a big problem with people who respond “me too,” when someone says “I love you.” What do you mean “me too?” You love yourself too? It just makes no sense. We are not talking about what we had for lunch that day…”I had a sandwich. Me too.” I mean, think about when you would use that response. “I like ______ (insert anything),” and the response “me too,” is appropriate if you like that thing as well…Now think about when someone says, “I love you,” and your response, “Me too.” Building on the above example it really means that you love “you” too. Not me, but you. So unless you want me to think you are a complete narcissist, please, try…”I love you too.”

To be continued…

Blame it on My Mom

A few weeks ago I was frantically trying to get my taxes filed...I mean we are talking looking for receipts under the bed, in the pockets of jackets I hadn't worn in a year, opening up mail that was dated sometime in 2004. Let's face it, I am an organizational nightmare...my idea of filing is moving papers from one pile to another. Its pathetic really. So I started thinking about how I got this way...why on earth am I so unorganized? And as I was looking for bank statements from 2004 and calling the bank a day before I needed them and filing my returns at 11:59 p.m. on the last possible day to file...the answer came to me...just blame it on my mom. I mean this is the woman who would just close the door to my disaster of a bedroom when I was a kid....presumably on the theory of what she can't see, she is not responsible for. I never had to clean my room as a kid...my mom never made me. And this is why I am an unorganized adult. I call my mom and tell her this. And she very gracefully accepts the blame of not making me clean my room as the reason for my current state of disorganization or maybe she was just closing the door.

Stereotypes Are Still Alive and Well

What do you think when you see a Korean woman carrying a Louis Vuitton purse? Yea...so do I.

The other day I was shopping at this Asian market down the street from my house. This is the kind of place Goose wouldn't step foot within a 10 mile radius of. The kind of place where they sell things like cow tounge (and not the sliced kind either) and whole pig skin. But I like to shop there because I feel like I am broadening my horizons as I browse the meat aisle and see every kind of disgusting part of an animal wrapped in styrofoam and plastic. Do people actually eat this stuff?

So this particular day I am on line paying for my red leaf lettuce, tomatoes and cucumber when I notice that the woman in line behind me, who is buying all sorts of who knows what with lots of Chinese writing on the packages {note to self...don't stare too long as she may ask you over for dinner and serve some "who knows what" caserole and being the very good eater that I am [Reality Police: Mav is actually very picky eater. Has a list longer than topics the President cannot speak intelligently about of things that she feels are *disgusting*. Such the drama queen] but even I have my limits.} and is carrying what appears to be a Louis and not the old everyone has that one Louis either...one of the brand new think Uma Thurman looking extremely hot in the ads Louis. I of course do a double take [Such a name brander- Mav] becasue this is NOT the kind of establishment where woman carry Louis Vuitton.

When I look up and see that the woman is Korean, I can't help but chuckle. Real or not, the irony that situation was pretty damn funny. There are just some people who can never carry a knock off, no matter how good it is.

Why Can't Litigation Be More Like Boxing?

So, I’m not really a fighter pilot, I just play one on t.v. In my real life I am a lawyer, a civil litigator to be exact. I am living in some sort of pseudo Ally McBeal type world where I wear short skirts and really high heels to Court. Hey, it never hurts to show a little leg. Nonetheless, it is much more fun playing the role of Mav and doin it up ghetto style with my girls from Destiny's Child and with guest appearances from all of my other celebrity friends. It is much more fun than being _________, Esq. and saving the world from stupidity. However, much to my chagrin I have discovered that the role of Mav doesn’t pay very well…it actually seems to generate a negative cash flow. Hmmmm, may have to re-evaluate whether I renew my contract for another season.

Anyway…being a lawyer, and actually not really liking it very much, I got to thinking…why can’t litigation be more like boxing??? Wouldn’t it be better if we all took our disputes into the ring? Isn't that how they used to settle disputes in the old days? Think circa Aaron Burr v. Alexander Hamilton, although an updated version. I wonder how many Rocky movies there would now be…Coming soon, Rocky 5 gazillion and 57, staring some stupid guy and some other stupid guy. After all, 99% of the lawsuits filed are because people are just plain stupid.

It would actually be so much fun. Every "fight" (case) would begin like this:

Announcer: “Let’s get ready to rumble! In this corner wearing a lovely St. John’s grey pinstripe and fabulous Manolo Blahnik pumps…(hahaha, I wish.) Weighing an incredibly slim 130 pounds (hey a girl can dream)... " You get the picture.

If people actually had to duke it out, I mean really duke it out…perhaps they would rethink being so stubborn and stupid about things. Of course, wouldn’t that mean that I would be out of a job? Could I play Mav full time? Not likely…but after all, people pay a lot of money to see a good fight and the managers (lawyers) usually make more than the fighters. So I wonder what the prospect of getting the shit kicked out of you would do to those of you who thought it was a good idea to steal someone’s money, or drive like you are the only person on the road or whatever other stupid behavior makes a lawsuit. Whatever it did I know it would be a hellava lot of fun to watch.